Why hello friends, I have a rather important topic to discuss with you guys today. I want to give a Trigger Warning as I will be discussing sensitive topics.

If you followed me last October, I came out on the internet for the first time about my eating disorder. I think that has been one of the most mentally draining, but oddly fulfilling moments of my life. It was so hard to talk about something that I had tried to hide for so long. I had so many people reach out to me, not only on the post, but in my private messages telling me the understood, and they were going through similar things to me.

I wish I was writing to you describing how I learned my triggers, and how I haven’t relapsed since then. My reality is that isn’t true.

I was okay for a while, I managed to keep myself in check for a few months, through moving out and working at a job that I quite frankly hated. I tried so hard to stay on top of it, and push through the bad moments. For the most part, I did, and I am happy to say that I have been able to learn what my triggers are, and spot when I feel myself slipping.

This past summer, I slipped. When everything in my life was at a turning point. I had started a new job, one of which I feel so blessed to have, I traveled to São Paulo to see one of my best friends, and I got a kitten who has made me a very proud cat mom. I still slipped.

I got home from the trip, and while I felt refreshed for a week or so, I suddenly felt off. I still can’t tell you why it happened, what triggered those feelings, all I know is that it happened.

I couldn’t get out of bed for three days, I didn’t eat, I barely slept, and all I did was cry. It sounds pathetic to me to say, but it’s not. It was something at that point that was out of my control. I couldn’t move, I don’t think I went longer than half an hour without crying.

There are two reasons I got through those nights, the first immediate thing was my cat. I was walking around in the pouring rain trying to get myself home because all that was running through my mind was “I need to feed her in the morning”. The second thing is the thing that has gotten me through every bad night, and that’s my family, but mostly, my little brothers.

When I was 16, I wanted to end it. I remember sitting, crying, on my bedroom floor with a bottle of pain killers in my hand. I had written a goodbye, and I was trying to catch my breath enough in between sobs to take the pills when my little brother knocked on my door telling me dinner was ready.

At that moment, I promised myself that no matter how much pain I felt, I would never want to inflict that pain onto them. I got out of bed on Sunday, I didn’t really do anything,  I forced myself to do some dishes, but I ordered food in to make sure I ate a little bit.

The point I want to get across in this post is the same thing I wanted to emphasize in my Instagram post last October. It’s okay not be okay. There will be days where you can’t get out of bed, there will be days where your world seems to be falling apart, and there will be days you may want to end it all.

Tomorrow is a new day, and sometimes (for me most of the time) it’s focusing on the little things to get out of that bad place. I know it’s hard in those moments, but even focusing on something so small or mundane can change the course of your day. Saying to yourself “I’m going to treat myself to my favorite meal” or “I got to sleep in today” makes a difference.

I think a couple of years ago when I was fighting so hard to get better, the thing that has worked the most for me, was focusing on those little positive things. The first while it was appreciating the weather or the fact that I woke up on time, and eventually it turned into me telling myself I loved the makeup I did that day, or that my skin was clearing up, or that I was productive, I accomplished a goal I had set for myself.

Now I am not saying that this cured anything, but it helps to get myself in an okay mindset. I think it’s important to acknowledge that you need help. It took me going through two robberies to do so, but when I did I was able to learn more about how my brain was wired, and some of the reasons I felt the way I did.

You are not any less because you go to therapy, it is important that you talk about your mental health. You got to the doctor when you’re physically ill, why wouldn’t go to the doctor when you’re mentally ill.

I want you to know that I see you, and I’m so proud of you. You will make it through this, and there are so many people who understand what you are going through, and who you can reach out to. I am always here to talk to. There are also trained professionals who will help and listen.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline- https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Canadian Crisis Centre- http://www.crisisservicescanada.ca/

Kids Help Phone- https://kidshelpphone.ca/text/

Thank you to all of you who have reached out to me, to others, and who have continued to make a difference in people’s lives. Thank you all for reading my word vomit, and my attempt to speak on such a sensitive topic.

To all of you fighting invisible battles, I see you, you got this, and I love you. Remember, it is ok not to be okay, and tomorrow is a new day.

Peace and love,

Maddie Anne

Instagram: @maddieannekelly

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